(Note: This post is best read aloud in a German accent.)
So, I have undertaken to instruct the Americans about the World Cup. Not an easy task — it's like asking someone to explain breathing.
The most unbearable thing about watching the games over here in the United States is all these non-fans who think they need to tell you how boring soccer is. Now, I don't care about American football (or soft-boy rugby, as we call it Europe), but I have a lot better things to do than go to a football bar on Super Bowl Sunday and start talking about how boring football is. And you know why? Because nobody gives a toss. Nobody cares if you like soccer or don't like soccer — like it, watch it, don't like it, feck off and wait for football season.
But even worse than the chest thumpers who "don't care" are the chest thumpers who do care, but only because the U.S. has now made the round of sixteen. I had chest thumpers walk up to me in my office last week trying to talk soccer, and how the U.S. is doing so great. Listen, I love this country, and the Americans can come in second to Germany for all I am concerned. But if you just recently discovered that there is a U.S. national soccer team and a sport called soccer, I really don't need to hear your opinion about either. I mean, really, it's time you learned that making the round of sixteen is not worth getting all excited about.
Finally — and please take this to heart — I am sick of all this U.S.-England chest thumping. Just because the only league you hear about here in the U.S. is the English Premier League, and all Americans aged twenty to thirty seem to be fans of Man United, Chelsea, Arsenal, or Liverpool, it's no excuse for believing that's all there is to international soccer.
As a matter of fact, England barely even registers on the scale of World Cup history. Maybe this is easier for you to understand: There are the Lakers and the Celtics, the Bulls and maybe the Spurs, all teams with a history of success (Brazil, Italy, Germany, and maybe Argentina), and then there are the Knicks — hailed to greatness but always fail to deliver (see: England). Maybe this is even easier: English fans talking about World Cup glory is like American teenagers talking about sex — they may have seen it on TV or the Internet, but they've never experienced it.
The author is a German who has been living in the United States for more than ten years. He is often angry.
CHRIS JONES: How to Convert to Team USA
COMPLETE COVERAGE: A Fan's Guide to the Cup
AND SPEAKING OF CRAZY: What the Hell Are the Japanese Fans Wearing?
