With Chelsea 3-1 down at Old Trafford on Sunday, Fernando Torres missed a very good chance. For a player of his class such a slip is horribly embarrassing but for the rest of us it brings two key benefits: an immediate, instinctive giggle, followed by a million pub discussions about where it ranks in all‑time miss misery.
So here, if you have recently had such a discussion, or possibly might have one in the near future, is some ammunition. And it seems pretty clear that not only is Torres's effort not the worst of all time, is isn't even very close to being the worst of the last year. Indeed, it is quite possibly not even the worst open-goal miss by a Spanish international striker in 2011.
For those who missed the weekend action and cannot get on YouTube, Torres danced his way around David de Gea and then, with the goal gaping, spanked his left-foot shot inexplicably wide. But when it comes to going round the goalkeeper and then missing inexplicably there can be no beating Rocky Baptiste, back in 2009. In mitigation, the Harrow Borough ace scored an absolute screamer later in the same game, against Waltham Abbey, which his side won 5-3. Baptiste's effort is pretty hard to beat, though some Brazilian called Macaca certainly gave it a good go, and this John Fashanu disaster would probably count if it had happened on a pitch, rather than on a computer. OK, if you insist, here is Ronny Rosenthal.
To really make the grade a miss must not only be utterly humiliating, it must also be decisive, and it must occur in a match of significant import. Off, then, to the 2010 Asian Games, played last November in Korea, where Qatar's Fahad Khalfan earned a starring role in this hall of infamy with this abject howler. There seems little explanation for his decision to curl the ball towards the far post with the outside of his left boot when he was about a yard away from the goalline, but he could perhaps blame the inexperience of youth – he was just 18 at the time. Worst of all, though, it was decisive – his side went on to lose that game, against Uzbekistan in the first knockout round, by a single goal after extra time.
If a miss is judged by the distance the ball was from goal at the time then Kei Kamara has a decent claim to all‑time greatness. The ball was actually on the goalline as the Kansas City Wizards striker prepared to convert, but then he totally missed his kick, fell over and knocked the ball in with his arm. Obviously he tried to claim the goal anyway, but an eagle-eyed official had spotted the offence. "It was one of the most unbelievable things I've seen in soccer," said Gregg Berhalter, whose LA Galaxy side were the lucky beneficiaries. "I can't really explain it well," deadpanned Kamara. But Kamara can't be singled out over Ilija Sivonjic, the Dinamo Zagreb player somehow failing to score from a similar distance against Cibalia Vinkovci in a match that ended 1-1.
The Real Betis striker Dani certainly cannot win the competition despite this dismal effort against Salamanca last season, but that's only because this – from Rangers' Peter van Vossen a few years back – was almost exactly the same but even worse. And Diego Forlán's embarrassment at this hideous effort for Manchester United against Juventus is alleviated by the fact that it was in a friendly.
Kanu's back-post blooper for West Bromwich Albion against Middlesbrough in 2004 was certainly a classic of its type. "I don't know how he missed that. I couldn't believe it," said Steve McClaren, whose Boro side were extremely fortunate to win said game 2-1. Come the end of the season the Baggies avoided relegation by a single point – had they gone down by that margin Kanu would have been, basically, single-handedly responsible. The fluffed pull-back department also features this Freddie Ljungberg effort for Arsenal against Bolton in that season's FA Cup – we'll excuse that because the Swede had already scored what turned out to be the winner, and Arsenal went on to lift the trophy – and similar ugly efforts from Cristiano Ronaldo, Thierry Henry and Chris Iwelumo.
So cheer up Fernando, even great players miss open goals sometimes. If he goes on to score 25 goals this season, it will certainly be forgotten. But if he doesn't …