In recent times, retirement has been made easy for English football's finest, and Jamie Redknapp, with spaces miraculously emerging either on the Match of the Day sofa or in the Sky Sports studio for them to fill – ideally while wearing trousers so tight that they endanger both decency and the wearer's hopes of any future children. Now, it seems, there might be an alternative to punditry when the legs go: a transfer to Anzhi Makhachkala. Anzhi, the Russian club who journalists are contractually obliged to describe as "mega-rich", reportedly want to sign Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard.
Anzhi already have Roberto Carlos and Samuel Eto'o, and the signing of Gerrard and Lampard would show that they really mean business in their attempt to construct a side that would have been lethal in 2005. Anzhi are apparently willing to pay £13m a year, which is almost as much as Alan Shearer earns to share his insights on Hatem Ben Arfa and apartheid.
Everton's teenage sensation Ross Barkley, who will eventually join Anzhi in the year 2029, is a £20m target for Chelsea, whose manager André Villas-Boas is diligently pursuing the fantasy of having a team with a younger average age than his.
Now that Cesc Fábregas is safely ensconced in Pep Guardiola's bosom, guzzling the teat of joga bonito, the world needs a new will-to-live-sapping transfer saga. Thankfully Neymar and Real Madrid have plans to dance around each other for the foreseeable future. According to the Daily Mail, Neymar will sign for Madrid for £53m – but not until next summer, by which time most of us will be pleading: MAKE IT STOP. Neymar has denied rumours he will join Madrid in January. "I have been sold, like, 30 times," he said, supporting the perception that he is the world's first superstar footballer to come from the set of Clueless or Mean Girls. "There is no truth to that."
In an unrelated development, Manchester City's manager Roberto Mancini has his slightly dead eyes on Roma's snarling Daniele De Rossi, whose contract is due to expire next summer. De Rossi, who could be available in January for as little as £8m, would become City's 47th central midfielder.
Mancini's noiseless neighbour, Sir Alex Ferguson, will not let his teenage midfielder Paul Pogba go on loan to Burnley. Pogba has been widely hailed as the new Patrick Vieira on account of the fact that he's tall, French and black; the piddling matter of them being completely different types of player doesn't seem to matter.
A few other bits. Bayern Munich want Chelsea's Florent Malouda, Lassana Diarra wants to stay at Real Madrid until his contract expires in 2013, and Liverpool are keen on the Ajax defender Jan Vertonghen, who some hacks have described as being even better than Didier Baptiste.