Premier League Heroes and Villains: The Golden Balls-Up Awards

The Premier League weekend brought a swirling vortex of agony, joy and sheer delirium. As usual, the Golden Balls-Up Awards have sailed the seven seas of football to bring you only the brightest pearls and the ugliest turds from the weekend.

We could take our customary pot shot at Fernando Torres this week, but that would barely be scratching the tip of a colossal iceberg.

Our journey takes us from the docks of Manchester, across the endless ocean of celebration that was White Hart Lane, through the isthmus of Craven Cottage and Swansea Bay before anchoring on the shores of Ewood Park.

Without further ado, let us weigh anchor and set sail for lands far and away...

It is often forgotten that Cristiano Ronaldo gave us two seasons of agonizing hair loss before he exploded. For some reason, critics (including the Old Trafford faithful) never afforded Nani the same latitude.

Well, the smooth criminal has done it anyway.

He served up a thriller at Old Trafford on Sunday and was dangerous throughout. The twinkle-toed Portuguese ran the show despite the fact that Chelsea's designated axe-man for the day—Ashley Cole—lunged in with tackles that could have left more than a little blood on the dance floor.

While Ronaldo had a pathological need to be the silky smooth (extremely waxed) star, Nani seems less reluctant to operate as part of a team.This quality may help him prove that no matter if you are black or white, you can outshine anyone as long as you have enough talent to wanna be startin' somethin'.

United fans eagerly await the day when Nani can look at the man in the mirror and see himself instead of Ronaldo.

It is only then that he will become truly unbreakable. Or invincible, if you please.

Now let us weigh anchor and depart before this turns into a bad game of spot the Michael Jackson reference. Oh wait...

Before the objections roll in, consider this: The Blues went to Old Trafford and gave it the full monty, which made for one of the best Premiership games in seasons. The game could well have ended 6-6.

Juan Mata looked brilliant up front, while Torres seems to have found his old form. As usual, it was in the last place you would look; in his case, at Old Trafford.

A nod of the head must also be offered to manager Andre Villas-Boas, who offered Frank Lampard an ungracious boot back to the bench at halftime. The substitution worked wonders as new man Nicolas Anelka provided Torres with an assist 12 seconds after the restart.

The possession might have favored United (57-43 percent) but the number of shots told a different story.

It seems like the last time a visiting team took 19 shots at Old Trafford, Vincent van Gogh chopped off his ear, although art historians have found no evidence that van Gogh was a Red Devils fan.

So fair play Chelsea, and thank you for a great contest.

Tottenham Hotspur finally seem to have found their potent combination up front. With the departure of Peter Crouch to Stoke, his replacement Emmanuel Adebayor has picked up the slack with a flourish as Spurs demolished Liverpool, 4-0, at White Hart Lane.

Adebayor completes a mobile Spurs attack and his influence was immediately apparent. Modric awoke from his summer of discontent and Rafael van der Vaart was unleashed off the bench.

Gareth Bale gave the Liverpool defense a torrid time on the left flank, culminating in a second yellow card and sending off for Martin Skrtel.

Meanwhile Modric, Kranjcar, Defoe and Adebayor interchanged positions at will, posing the Reds a logistical nightmare. In particular, Lucas could be seen charging back and forth like a hysterical schoolboy whose underpants were the subject of an amusing game of monkey in the middle.

Adebayor seems as shrewd a signing as van der Vaart was last summer. At this rate, Spurs should finish the season in fourth position. If they get a run of results, they might even challenge Chelsea for third.

Even Stevie Wonder saw this coming from a mile off, but Swansea finally came of age on the biggest stage.

Playing a fluid, attacking brand of football seemed to get them nowhere for weeks.

The Swans endured a spell of bad luck that would have driven Kenny Dalglish into a paranoid rant about conspiracies involving the referees, opponents, swans, karma, rabbits, dungeons, dragons, the Universe and even God.

Instead, the Swans believed in their brand of football and it is a good thing they did, because they absolutely tore West Bromwich to shreds in an encounter that finished 3-0 at the Liberty Stadium.

Goal keeper Michel Vorm was also back at his best after that howler last week.

The only pity is that, after showcasing some stunning football for four weeks, their first goal in the Premier League came via a penalty.

But then again, show me someone who cares, and I'll show you a sore Baggies fan.

For finally getting their act together, for handing the mother of all anti-football establishments their derrieres on a plate and for providing a hell of a show, this award goes to Sunderland.

Who would have thought a team boasting Nicklas Bendtner as first choice striker could put four goals past the opposition?

A spokesman refused to confirm rumors that manager Steve Bruce's first call after the match was to the unemployment office, cancelling his appointment for Monday morning.

As if the world economy being in tatters, unrestrained rioting in England and devastating earthquakes in Virginia were not enough warning of the impending Apocalypse, Sunday saw Titus Bramble get on the score sheet.

And not even on the wrong side!

Having suitably impressed in his Spurs debut last week, Adebayor claimed a personal token this week by showing Emmanuel Frimpong, Johan Djourou and countless others what a good mohawk looks like.

Coupled with an absolutely pimp rap standard beard, Adebayor emerged from the tunnel at White Hart Lane looking positively Jurassic.

It also helped that he did not get sent off within 30 minutes, let in eight goals or put a couple past his own keeper.

As everyone knows, rule number one of the Samuel L. Jackson club is "BAMF is what BAMF does!"

No wonder the Liverpool defense completely wet the bed. Multiple props to the Togo international!

At least when Djibril Cisse emerged from the tunnel at Anfield, spectators were treated to psychedelic shapes shaved in his hair. And at least Aaron Lennon engraved speed stripes down the side of his head.

But only Adel Taarabt knows what on earth he was thinking when he asked for the "Hatching Egg" look.

If one had to speculate, the best guess is that he was going for a lightning bolt.

Unfortunately, it turned out more like a mad scientist had taken his skull apart and screwed it back together in a hurry.

Oh well, better this than another Joey Barton-style Hitler youth haircut.

In all fairness, Fernando Torres had been a threat for most of the game.

Whether it is because he left his form behind the last time he traveled to Old Trafford and he has been searching ever since, only he will know.

Either way, something sparked the Spaniard to life on Sunday and it made for quite the pulsating clash of the titans.

Torres even managed to ghost in between Jonny Evans and Phil Jones to set up a delightful chip over keeper David de Gea within seconds of the restart. By all accounts then, he was back on top form.

Soon afterward, he put a ball into orbit from about 10 yards out. But that was a half-chance. He just failed to get his foot completely over the ball. After all, we all saw that brilliant chip. Right?

And then it happened.

Adjusting brilliantly to a through ball from Ramires, Torres shifted the ball with a magical shuffle of his feet and left de Gea for dead.

El Nino was faced with an empty net three yards away and was holding an axe to the throat of that agonizing eight-month goal drought. Every Chelsea fan—and arguably every neutral too—was willing him to put it in.

And Nando sliced it wide.

Old Trafford erupted in delirium and the wide-eyed bewilderment on Chelsea faces was only matched by that on the striker's own. Red Devils fans howled their approval and one would imagine more than a few might have required a change of trousers.

A Chelsea spokesperson refused to give any credence to the rumor that manager Andre Villas-Boas was so angry after the game that he stormed into the dressing room and screamed at Torres, his eyes murderous and spit flying, "Top class striker be damned, get a bloody gun and blow your brains out."

At which point Frank Lampard dived under the nearest table, shrieking, "No, gaffer, you've seen his aim!"

Neither would the club confirm whether reported Chelsea fan Stephen Hawking called the club after the match to offer his sincerest condolences to the manager and his left foot to Torres.

Let us get things straight.

Everyone knows Torres is gradually rediscovering his form and either this season or the next, he will get back in the hunt for the Golden Boot. But until then, his anguish is our Red Bull.

If this column were not the epitome of professional journalism, it would abandon all pretense and produce a feast of jokes at the Gunners' expense.

But as it stands, professionalism is of utmost...oh who are we kidding? You want the jokes, we want the jokes and if Gandhi were an avid Bleacher Report reader, he would want the jokes too.

So here goes:

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger admitted in the post game interview that his team lost because of a couple of basic mistakes. But the Arsenal manager was not impressed by the follow-up question, "Mistakes like forgetting that they don't play for Blackburn?"

----

Wenger is said to be lining up a January bid for Fernando Torres. When questioned about the shock transfer, he clued the assembled journalists in to his visionary plan, "If Torres plays as center back, at least one of my defenders will never score past Szczesny."

----

Last season, Arsenal already did the impossible by coming fourth in a two-horse race. Against all the odds, they managed to go one better this season by scoring five goals yet losing a game, 4-3.

----

And the list goes on. And on. And...well, you get the point.

Please note: any Arsenal fans offended by this slide may call the complaints hotline at (020) 2-1 2-2 2-3 2-4.

He showed defensive abilities about as watertight as a sieve. He managed to misread every single pass to Gareth Bale. And he compounded Liverpool's problems by hacking away at anything in a Spurs shirt, even though he knew that referee Mike Jones was handing out cards like tic tacs.

For his unprecedented levels of pure, unadulterated imbecility, this award goes to Martin Skrtel.

A dishonorable mention must also go to Skrtel's gap-toothed teammate Charlie Adam, who found it prudent to lunge in, studs bared, at Scott Parker despite already being on a yellow card.

Over the last couple of weeks, the Liverpool boss has had got tactics completely wrong.

Squeezing Andy Carroll into a starting eleven alongside Luis Suarez, Charlie Adam and Stewart Downing is pure folly. The big tree from Newcastle lacks any technical skill, a competent first touch and only prospered at Tyneside because the crosses and long balls kept flying in from every angle.

Even playing the tireless (if undeniably hideous) Dirk Kuyt and the rather laughable Maxi Rodriguez instead of Carroll and Henderson is a viable solution.

The only drawback is that it means two of Dalglish's most expensive signings must be content with the bench.

Just as starting Carroll twists the system to suit a player, playing Jordan Henderson on the right twists the player to suit the system.

And the sooner King Kenny realizes this, the sooner Liverpool football club will get their European push back on track.

Honorable mentions should also go out to new boys Queens Park Rangers and Norwich City, who won their respective matches 3-0 against Wolves and 2-1 against Bolton.

While the investment at Loftus Road means that Rangers are expected to stay up this season, my personal prediction is that they will be accompanied by Swansea City, while Norwich battle relegation all the way to the end.

New Blackburn signing Yakubu also deserves a nod for his brace which helped Blackburn overcome Arsenal, 4-3, at Ewood Park.

Having meandered through most of the newsworthy events from the weekend, it is now time to sail off into the glorious sunset.

We bid thee bon voyage and hope to see you again at the same time, same place next week.

Disclaimer

Bleacher Report retracts any claims regarding Andre Villas-Boas, Fernando Torres and Chelsea Football Club. We also believe that the owner Roman Abramovich did NOT sign the Spanish striker unilaterally, and that his ownership of the club has been a paragon of sports finance management.

On a completely unrelated matter, Bleacher Report would like to request whichever mafia (or non-mafia) agency has stationed burly Russian men equipped with automatic rifles and flak jackets outside the columnist's apartment, that said writer be allowed to leave the premises unharmed.