Hello and welcome to BALLS - LIVE! Behave. That was the FA Cup third round. As long as you don't count the Arsenal v Leeds tomorrow. And the replays that are still to come. I've beaten myself in the space of three sentences. Oh dear. Anyway there have been a couple of upsets today: Sheffield Wednesday have beaten West Ham reserves, Manchester United won at Manchester City and Chelsea won an actual game. Well done! Well done! Below are the numbers. If you like numbers, you'll love these.
1 Middlesbrough
2 Nottingham Forest or Leicester City
3 Manchester United
4 Dagenham & Redbridge or Millwall
5 Crawley Town
6 Notts County
7 Aston Villa
8 Tottenham Hotspur
9 Sheffield Wednesday
10 Milton Keynes Dons or Queens Park Rangers
11 Hull City
12 Southampton
13 Brighton & Hove Albion or Wrexham
14 Fulham
15 Birmingham City or Wolverhampton Wanderers
16 Norwich City
17 Arsenal or Leeds United
18 Derby County
19 Blackpool
20 Swindon Town
21 Swansea City
22 Macclesfield Town or Bolton Wanderers
23 Newcastle United
24 Everton
25 Sheffield United
26 Liverpool
27 Stoke City
28 Chelsea
29 Watford
30 Sunderland
31 West Bromwich Albion
32 Stevenage
Former Cardiff City manager Dave Jones and Chasetown player Danny Smith will be conducting the draw. The good name of the FA Cup was, of course, irrevocably tarnished when Banter's Tim Lovejoy was allowed to do the draw in February 2010. Oh Football Association, how could you?
The question rattling around the sports desk right now: should Birmingham and Wolves be allowed to replay their game, or should they both be thrown out of the FA Cup for crimes against football?
Off we go to Wembley. Here's Jim Rosenthal. He still looks like The Count from Sesame Street. A coincidence, given the numbers involved in the draw, that he always gets this gig?
The balls are in the bag. Here we go.
Brighton or Wrexham v Newcastle
Sunderland v Middlesbrough
Dagenham & Redbridge or Millwall v Southampton
Hull City v Crawley Town
MK Dons or QPR v Chelsea
West Brom v Norwich
Blackpool v Sheffield Wednesday
Arsenal or Leeds v Aston Villa
Stevenage v Notts County
Watford v Tottenham
Liverpool v Manchester United
Derby v Stoke
Everton v Fulham
Macclesfield or Bolton v Swansea
Sheffield United v Birmingham or Wolves
Nottingham Forest or Leicester v Swindon
You could not make this up. It's Liverpool v Manchester United. Champagne corks will be popping at FA headquarters, you can be sure of that. Luis Suarez will be suspended. The games will take place on 28/29 January. Others to catch the eye are Sunderland v Middlesbrough, Watford v Tottenham, possibly QPR v Chelsea and FOR GOD'S SAKE IT'S LIVERPOOL V MANCHESTER UNITED COULDN'T THEY HAVE JUST DRAWN IT AGAIN!!!?!?!?! Bye.