25 World Footballers Who Would Make Horrible Coaches

Great coaches are almost always former players. But great players rarely turn in to great coaches.

What gives?

No one can really say what qualities turn a former player into a top-class coach. More often than not, the best football managers had undistinguished—or worse—playing careers.

What does it all mean? We're not sure. But we're pretty sure the following 25 players would make horrible coaches—if they ever decided to enter management.

Let's hope, for the sake of their would-be teams, that it never happens.

Why Not?

For mostly the same reasons he made our list of the 50 Footballers with the Most Swagger.

And we quote:

Before too long at Arsenal, he came up with a trademark sliding celebration after goals. That va va voom attitude, along with Henry's (admittedly earned) high opinion of himself, grated on some fans and ex-players.

That kind of arrogance/swagger is great in players. Apart from Jose Mourinho, it's not generally an indicator of managerial excellence.

Why Not?

Well, if you like a snot-nosed punk who starts fights on the pitch, continues others on Twitter, taunts fans and alienates everybody, including his own teammates, then Joey Barton is your man.

If not, it's no big mystery.

Why Not?

Loyalty is not a buzzword for Ashley Cole.

After coming through the ranks at Arsenal, he engineered a move across town to higher-paying Chelsea in 2006 after some super-secret hotel meetings the year before.

Then he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar (pun intended) and lost his crazy-hot wife Cheryl Tweedy because of it.

And, you know, that's exactly the kind of loyalty you want in a manager.

Why Not?

Loyalty, schmoyalty. John Terry has Ashley Cole beat.

The allegations are disputed, but the married Terry allegedly had an affair with the former girlfriend of Terry's former teammate. If they're not true, it's mighty strange that Terry would resort to a super injunction to keep them unpublished.

If that's not enough for you, Terry in 2001 was involved in an ugly incident with American tourists in the aftermath of 9/11. Last year there was that whole racism controversy.

So—bad manager? Probably. Bad human being? Definitely.

Why Not?

Compared to his teammate John Terry, Didier Drogba is a saint. He's just too arrogant a saint to be a good manager.

Seriously, how arrogant must one be to earn a reprimand from Piers freakin' Morgan?

Why Not?

Atop the mostly empty noggin of a football player, that hair is way cool.

Atop the cranium of a manager, it's a source of serious concern.

Get a haircut and we'll talk.

Why Not?

In defending himself against allegations of racist conduct, Luis Suarez claimed, in effect, that he called Patrice Evra "negro" on the pitch because that's just what people do in South America.

OK, Luis. Call your players that (in our hypothetical universe where you're a manager) and see what happens.

Why Not?

Does anyone ever know what's going on in the mind of Mario Balotelli?

Why Not?

Ditto to the Balotelli comments. Plus, we just don't see Tevez putting his players through any grueling conditioning exercises while fish and chips are waiting to be consumed.

Why Not?

Try as they might, the players just wouldn't be able to look away from Rooney's hair plugs.

Why Not?

Too scary.

Now, if this were a list of great candidates for future Dracula impersonators (or, apparently, Christopher Walken characters), then we'd be golden.

Why Not?

His players would be too busy trying to devise ways to seduce his wife.

Also he’s not the type to instill confidence in his subordinates. More like giggles and snickers.

Why Not?

He's a terrible teammate and seems like a thoroughly terrible person as well.

Why Not?

Would he have enough time for footie and footsie? What would all the women of Europe do without him?

Why Not?

Too scary, but in a different way than Berbatov.

More like scary in the sense that he'd beat up all his players.

Why Not?

His teams would have to forfeit matches for lack of eligible players after a spate of well-deserved red cards.

Why Not?

Also too scary. One of his players would turn up dead one day after training.

Why Not?

His sexual goals are too lofty (40 condoms!). They would get in the way.

Why Not?

Need we say it?

OK, then. Coaching would get in the way of his social life. He's got a new (and increasingly hotter) girlfriend every week.

He can't take criticism. He's a poor loser.

And before he's done, he'll be an all-time great. The all-time greats don't usually turn into good—or even mediocre—managers.

Why Not?

Too pretty. The lads might get confused.

Why Not?

No one can pronounce his name.

All at once now, you Britishers: It's pronounced "Kite."

Not "Kowt."

Once we get this down, Kowt is on his way to management.

Why Not?

Umm, all his players would become bodybuilders out of shame.

And all their games would turn into American Gladiators.

Why Not?

If we were playing for Damien Duff, we'd find it impossible to stop wondering where he left the pot of gold.

OK, OK, sorry. That was uncalled for.

We meant we'd be after his Lucky Charms.

Why Not?

Would you want to play for a dude that looks like this?

Why Not?

Like we already said, the really great players don’t generally make good—or even mediocre—managers.

Maybe that's because it’s too hard for them to vocalize what makes them great.