WHERE THERE IS HODGSON THERE IS HOPE
It was Roy Keane, of all people, who cooed last year that "all football managers are romantics." No, the smouldering Irishman was not suggesting that gaffers up and down the land spend their evenings trying to arrange the perfect bouquet of flowers, penning winsome verse or serenading sweet maidens under moonlit balconies. What he meant was that managers devote their lives to the pursuit of a dream.
By way of classic example we could cite another Roy: Mr Hodgson. Hodgson's irrelevant playing career petered out when he was just 27 but his football dream didn't. Within months he took charge of Swedish small potatoes Halmstad, where the players, nearly half of whom were older than him, initially viewed him with the same sort of suspicion that veteran boozers eye teenage teetotalers. Once he explained his vision and method, however, they were convinced – and, hey presto, that season the presumed relegation certainties won the league for the first time in their history!
Hodgson the Wandering Conjurer has performed similar tricks all over Europe ever since, with very few mishaps en route (Kevin Davies to Blackburn was the rabbit that died in the hat), and all that magic and dream-chasing finally paid off earlier this month when the 62-year-old was appointed to what he calls "the biggest job in football". There is, of course, a grave risk that the position of Liverpool manager will mutate into a nightmare, what with the club still being in the clutches of Duke and Duke from Trading Places, Fernando Torres breaking down more often than peace talks in the Middle East and the whole mood about Anfield being about as uplifting as a grand piano dropped from a great height.
But where there is Hodgson, there is hope. Joe Cole listened to his dream, and now he's a believer. And that, in turn, appears to have converted $tevie Mbe too. "Joe has proved his ability over many years in the Premier League - sometimes against us - so it will be fantastic to play alongside him in a red shirt for Liverpool," hurrahed Mbe. "I wanted the chance to meet Roy Hodgson privately and having done so, I'm very impressed with his plans for the future," added the England captain, who, in fairness, had already moved to dampen speculation linking him with moves to the likes of Real Madrid ... by performing like an incorrigible galoot at the World Cup.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"A brief statement on the Galatasaray website on Monday said that the 31-year-old would officially sign the deal after a routine medical" - in what is almost certainly the greatest misuse of the word 'routine' in the history of journalism, Reuters break the news that knack-prone Sheilaroo Harry Kewell is about to ink a one-year contract extension in Turkey.
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FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Roy Hodgson's tactics (yesterday's Fiver). If Selfridges can do a Christmas tree formation in August why can't Roy?" - John McLaren.
"Re: the Capello Index (yesterday's Fiver). I wonder if a blazer at the FA will return from his summer holiday and take 12 minutes to inform Mr Capello that his actions have undermined his standing with the team and that he is being demoted to trainer. A queue of unsuitable backroom staff can then take it in turns to be manager dependent upon injury and pecking order" - Ian Richards.
"The 'revolution' Mike Hopkin speaks of (yesterday's Fiver letters) doesn't bear close scrutiny. The Australia Act 1986 may well have purported to end all Westminster's 'colonial powers' over the Lucky Country. But this statute itself was passed by the UK parliament. What the British parliament can give, it can also take away. It's not exactly the Boston Tea Party. When you have your referendum and/or declare independence properly come speak to us again, pal" - Davorder Griffiths.
"Re: your Liverpool signing Joe Cole/Simply Red link. I wasn't going to write in but Something Got Me Started. Now that Liverpool fans have A New Flame the Men and Women of that fine city will be reaching once more for the Stars. Children will collect photos of Joe Cole to put in their Picture Book, life will be Simplified once more. Someone stop me. Come to My Aid. Please" - Dexter Varley.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver now.
BITS AND BOBS
Tottenham claim they've banned vuvuzelas because their high-pitched drone could drown out the sound of "important emergency safety announcements". Arsenal, meanwhile, are doing the same to preserve the "enjoyment and safety of supporters on matchdays, which is of paramount importance to the club".
Free agent, Beluga-whale-lookalike and non-impact-making former Aston Villa impact substitute Marlon Harewood has been offered a two-year deal with the Pope's O'Rangers.
Derby County manager Nigel Clough has denied reports linking striker Rob Hulse with a £1m move to Premier League side Blackpool. Yes, Premier League side Blackpool. It still sounds weird, doesn't it?
STILL WANT MORE?
Strap on your shinpads and clamber aboard the Pain Train - it's the Mark van Bommel Gallery.
Barney Ronay took time out from lovingly carving 'BR+JC' into a tree-trunk to rattle out this 908-word paean to new Liverpool recruit Joe Cole.
Hankering after some half-hearted pre-season kickabout action featuring Arsenal, the Queen's Celtic, Lyon and AC Milan? We've tickets for the Emirates Cup to give away.
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